


i’d rather fight with you than laugh with another

by callieincali



Series: Kady's POV [4]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/F, and julia is a little shit, kady is short-tempered, read this if you wanted to see more of kady and her shadeless gf, shadeless!julia, soft!kady, the girlfriends argue a lot, they still love each other tho, wickoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 02:27:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14486787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callieincali/pseuds/callieincali
Summary: That’s not Julia. Even she knows that. The only person who doesn’t seem to know that is you.or, a canon-compliant shadeless!julia fic





	i’d rather fight with you than laugh with another

**Author's Note:**

> hello, so, @s1ckofsunlight on twitter asked me to write a fic based on the song ‘private fears in public places’ by front porch step,,, and although i didn’t stay exactly on par with the song (oops my mind sucks at staying on task i apologize), i did write this angsty fic i’m somewhat proud of that was INSPIRED by that song. 
> 
> so, all you people who like to listen to songs while you read, maybe play that one on repeat if you’d like,, idk 
> 
> i hope this suffices for the request! 
> 
> this takes place in the time of s2 after julia loses her shade
> 
> enjoy!

_That’s not Julia. Even she knows that. The only person who doesn’t seem to know that is you._

Kady’s hands itched at the memory of the words. She clenched her fist around the duffle bag in her grasp, staring at the vacant bedroom in front of her and willing herself not to dwell of the fact that a particular wavy-haired brunette wasn’t laying on the bed or perched next to the windowsill. She could imagine the way Julia would have turned and smiled contently— or at least, the most content of a smile she could have mustered— at the realization that Kady was watching her.

Anyone who grew to know Julia the way Kady did would know exactly why Kady _didn’t seem to know_ that Julia had changed. Of course she knew the girl was different— she’d known it from the moment Julia danced down the steps of the physical kid cottage, humming to herself with an indifference that wasn’t possible for someone who had been through what Julia had endured. She knew it more than anyone, and she figured that was what annoyed her most about Penny’s cutting words.

Because Penny didn’t see the way Julia broke and put herself back together each time. And he didn’t know about how protective Julia grew to be of Kady even when she probably deserved it the least of all. He didn’t watch Julia show sympathy time and time again, refusing to become coldhearted in a world that should have turned her bitter long ago.

Kady couldn’t stop herself from feeling a sense of relief when Julia’s shade was taken, and she supposed the drastic positive change in the girl’s mood blinded her to realizing how manipulative and reckless she had become. But she had seen a light in Julia’s eyes that had begun to seem permanently extinguished and she ran with the possibility of Julia finding some peace after all she had gone through.

Now, all Kady could feel was an overwhelming sense of guilt. For letting Julia burn down a Fillorian forest. For enabling her irrational behavior long enough to see her risk Quentin’s life for her own selfish gain. For locking her in a magic-less prison indefinitely. The list went on. 

She understood what Penny had meant, now, despite how much it hurt to admit it. 

Kady shook the reminder from where it gripped her mind, finally urging herself to step past the doorway of Julia’s bedroom, stopping first at the queen sized bed the two had shared in the months prior. She couldn’t will herself to sleep in it anymore— to stay in an apartment where every detail reminded her of the girl she didn’t think she’d ever see again. She was going back to Brakebills to stay with Penny and the rest of the gang. Their time spent together was growing more necessary anyway, and it made more sense to stay close to them rather than making the journey from upstate New York to Brakebills anytime they called.

But the reasoning didn’t stop the burning ache just below her chest.

The queen bed held mostly Julia’s belongings, but Kady’s eyes trailed to one particular pillow, far more tattered than the rest, encased in an off-white pillowcase that clashed terribly with the rest of the bed set. 

It was Kady’s pillow— one she had brought with her when she first decided to stay with Julia under the impression that most of her nights would be spent on the couch. Somewhere along the way though, Kady had found herself sleeping alongside Julia, probably after hearing the shorter girl’s quiet cries from the living room and deciding she couldn’t let her suffer alone any longer. The pillow followed her to the bedroom and remained there since.

She stuffed the old pillow into her bag, her eyes lingering on the suddenly barren-seeming sheets and allowing a memory to push its way past her stubborn attempts to keep them out.

_Kady stared into Julia’s previously gentle brown eyes that now only held a flame of determination to get what they wanted no matter the cost, and watched as they darted around before coming to a halt as they aligned with Kady’s face._

_“Don’t you feel different?” Kady didn’t need to speak loud, their faces being mere inches from each other as they lay on the large bed that neither had made attempts to leave for the morning. Kady’s hand traced lightly over Julia’s upper arm as she spoke, eyes fixated on the way little bumps rose in her touch’s wake._

_Julia laughed quietly. “I’m still me.”_

_Kady couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that Julia could imply such a thing when her demeanor had changed so intensely. Julia with a shade would have never burned down a forest of talking trees, let alone laughed nonchalantly at the mention of it. The idea of killing thousands of innocent dryads almost made Kady’s blood run cold but the Julia she knew would never do such a thing without damn, good reason, and she repeated that assurance in her mind over and over until she felt like a broken record._

_Kady let her hand stray from Julia’s arm, bringing it to rest instead on the coolness of the brunette’s cheek and rubbed a thumb gently across it— not dissimilar to the way she would have done in the past to wipe the tears streaking down Julia’s face._

_No tears made an appearance this time, however, and Julia only smiled, her eyes softening considerably at the touch— considerably enough to make Kady question if the girl was truly emotionless at all._

_Julia brought her own hand to meet the one stroking her cheek, leaning closer to the embrace. “See?” Julia asked, her voice barely a whisper. “Still me.” Kady’s stomach lurched at the tone of Julia’s voice and how much it reminded her of the Julia she had grown to love. She nodded before she was sure if she agreed, clinging to the possibility that maybe some part of Julia’s old self still remained._

Kady moved to throwing fistfuls of her clothing into the bag as the scene finished playing out behind her eyes, careless to how unorganized the bag was becoming. She had never been a materialistic person, leaving her only belongings to be enough clothing to last and a few trinkets and such of sentimental value. 

She tugged open a nightstand drawer, already aware of what she was in search of, and rummaged through until her fingers caught onto a mess of tangled golden chains, ending in two halves of engraved metal hearts clinking together noisily in sync with the motion. Best bitches. The two words held a depth she couldn’t put into words. It marked the beginning of her and Julia’s friendship and so many of the moments along the way that led them to where they were now.

Kady pinched Julia’s half between her thumb and first finger, feeling over the ‘be bit’ carved into the charm, her stomach twisting in annoyance at the last memory tied to the jewelry.

_“I’ll be back in a little, Jules. Penny needs my help with some library bullshit.” Kady waved a hand dismissively towards the end of the statement, expressing her ignorance and disinterest towards the situation, and pulled a jacket over her arms, waiting for the shorter girl to return her goodbye._

_Julia’s nose was buried in an ancient book from the Brakebills library, but she pulled her gaze from the literature as Kady entered the room and had the book closed and set aside by the time Kady had finished speaking. Julia narrowed her eyes, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth in a look of scrutiny that practically burned through Kady._

_“You know, I can’t figure out you two,” Julia started, her intense stare not faltering. Kady stared back from behind furrowed brows, unsure where the statement was leading. “I mean, obviously you don’t love him— not romantically, anyway.”_

_Kady shifted uncomfortably on her feet at the mention of her feelings for Penny, her defenses already strengthening to avoid the vulnerability that often came with these types of conversations. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_“But don’t I?” Julia laughed that same cold, patronizing laugh that had become regular to hear since the girl lost her shade, but its stinging effect on Kady still hadn’t lessened. Nonetheless, Kady crossed her arms over her chest, raising her eyebrows in a way that said ‘try me.’ Julia sighed before continuing. “I know that you met at Brakebills and used him for sex and stealing. He freaked when he found out. You felt obligated to make things right but you got yourself expelled before you fully could._

_“You reconnected with him and he helped you rob a bank, thinking it’d be a one off and you two could go about your separate lives once you finished, but Penny still had feelings and signed his life away to the library for you. And by then, I think you just felt sorry enough for him to keep him around and make all his time spent on you worthwhile.” Julia finished with a satisfied grin._

_Kady could feel her muscles beginning to tense at— not only the reminder of the past, but how vulnerable she felt having the intentions of her most personal decisions laid out in front of her like a hand of cards._

_The ever-present need to run— the one rooted so deep in her from her traumatic childhood that it felt like instinct by now— pulsed through her veins but she kept her feet planted, blaming Julia’s bluntness on her lack of a conscience._

_“Thanks for the recap?” Kady replied, still not entirely sure what the motive behind the conversation was._

_“If you ask me, you’re both just stuck in a loop of paying your debts to each other and you’ve become attached to the familiarity of it. Sure, he’s your friend. He’s a constant in your life when nothing else is, but I don’t think he has ever been more than that. He isn’t your boyfriend. He certainly isn’t your,” Julia paused, a sickly smirk tugging at her lips, practically dripping in mischief. “_ Best bitch _.” The short girl’s grin grew wider and Kady had to force herself to turn away before the first tint of redness had a chance to rise to her cheeks. The implication of the observation was strikingly obvious and it only clogged Kady’s mind with more confusion than what was already cluttering it._

_“I— don’t have time for this.” Kady stomped out the door before Julia could get in another word edgewise, cursing herself for the umpteenth time in her life for growing too close to someone and letting them see too much of herself._

Kady had managed to untangle the necklaces by the time the recollection faded into nothingness, leaving behind just the distant ache of annoyance that came along with the memory. She folded them neatly in on themselves and tucked the gold necklaces into a side pocket ofher duffle bag, assuming Julia probably wouldn’t be needing them for a while.

She ran through a quick mental checklist of the belongings she came in search of, and came to the conclusion that she had all she needed from the apartment that she was saying goodbye to far too soon for her liking. 

One hand rested on the handle of the front door as the other zipped the duffle bag closed, sealing in what little was packed inside it. Kady scanned once more over the visible area of the apartment she had grown to enjoy spending her time in with the girl she could easily consider her best friend. It burned her eyes to think she might never see the inside of it again. She twisted the handle, remembering all too well the last time she had done the same.

_Julia had taken to rummaging through every drawer and cabinet in her apartment as soon as Penny walked out the door, leaving them with a confirmation of their plan to meet up and kidnap Senator Gaines as the next step in killing Reynard._

_Kady entered the living room after downing a bottle of magic methadone and watched the meticulous searching from afar, debating on whether or not to initiate conversation. An argument was the last thing Kady wanted to start, though that seemed to be the all the two of them could do these days, so, using the most casual voice she could muster, Kady asked, “What are you looking for?”_

_“Nothing,” Julia responded without a moment of hesitation, though the statement was obviously a lie._

_And Kady would have let it end there rather than wasting her energy to pry, but with the upcoming plan to kidnap a US senator approaching quickly, Kady didn’t want to leave any loose ends untied. “Don’t do anything stupid tonight, Julia.”_

_Julia simply laughed and shook her head._

_“We want Senator Gaines alive,” Kady rephrased._

_“An alive demigod does nothing for us.” Kady could already feel somewhere deep in her chest growing warm with the first twinge of anger._

_“We are_ not _killing him.” Kady stepped closer to Julia then, prompting the smaller girl to spin around and abandon her frantic hunt for whatever it was she needed._

 _“I just don’t see_ why _. I mean, he has power. We need power. To get said power, we need to kill him. Pretty black and white to me.” Julia hadn’t truly expressed annoyance since losing her shade but Kady figured her current tone was as close as she would get to it._

_The curly-haired girl shook her head profusely, almost stunned to speechlessness by the content of what Julia had to say._

_“Yeah, except for the part where we kill an innocent politician.”_

_“Big picture, Kady. One person dies to save the lives of many.” Julia paced the floor between them, her teeth nibbling at her bottom lip each time she paused between her sentences. “Do you remember what he did to me— what he almost did to you? Because I can run through the details if you need a refresher.” Her tone was the exact one that made Kady was to throw something at a wall and maybe punch the same spot after. She ran a hand through the curls draping over her face, shaking her head again at the disregard Julia held towards other’s feelings._

_“God, Julia, no. I know what he did to you. But I also know what he did to_ our friends _. He killed innocent people. How would killing Senator Gaines be any different?”_

_And, again, Julia laughed as if Kady’s reasoning was so foolish it wasn’t even worth her time. Kady clenched her fists at her sides, forcing a steadying breath to keep her growing irritation at bay._

_“He’s an evil god. We’re magicians with good intentions. I know the right thing to do. And that is killing Reynard. Whatever way it takes.” Julia stopped pacing and turned back to a drawer that extended from her coffee table, dropping to her knees to get a better view of what was inside._

_“You have no morals anymore. How do you know what’s right?” Kady’s voice broke as she asked, allowing the suppressed frustration to shine through. If Julia noticed, she didn’t comment on it._

_“My feelings don’t hold me back anymore. I know killing an innocent man is wrong, but I know that letting a trickster god walk free is worse.” Kady could only find enough composure to shake her head, annoyed and shocked by the dark side of Julia revealing itself. Her attempts to bite her tongue became futile however, as she remembered the plan and how Julia’s apathetic attitude could cost them the one chance they had at acquiring a decent plan to kill Reynard. Kady didn’t stop herself from letting a warning slip past her lips._

_“If you try to pull anything tonight, I’ll lock you up somewhere so secure, you won’t see the light of day until long after_ I’ve _taken down Reynard.”_

 _Julia looked Kady up and down and stifled a disbelieving laugh, boiling Kady’s blood and only strengthening the taller girl’s desire to connect her fist with something solid. Her reassurances that Julia wasn’t in a normal mindset—_ her _Julia’s mindset, the Julia who was sweet and empathetic and would never do anything to purposely upset Kady— sounded like distant whispers and did nothing the quell the burning throughout her body as Julia plastered a fake frown to her lips and batted her eyelashes a few times for effect._

_“Now who’s the one with no morals?” Julia asked in a mocking tone before returning her attention solely to the clutter of the drawer, leaving Kady with brimming tears of frustration at the corners of her eyes. She turned and stomped off before her words could dig her deeper into rage, tugging open the front door and slamming it behind her, unsure where she was going but knowing that it was anywhere but Julia’s apartment._

Kady pulled open the apartment door and stepped into the hallway, similar tears pooling in her eyes and distorting her vision as she gently closed the door behind her, a striking contrast to the manner she had used the time before.

Kady didn’t hate Julia; she didn’t think she could ever come close to hatred. Because there was still a large part of her that would do anything to help the girl. A large part that would go to the ends of all the worlds just to see Julia finally find true happiness.

She reminded herself, yet again, that locking Julia in the clean room was the right decision, no matter how badly it made her chest feel as if it might collapse in on itself. _Her_ Julia would have wanted Kady to do it— would have wanted Kady to stop enabling the reckless behavior that had killed many and come close just as often. _Her_ Julia would understand.

Or so she hoped.

Whether or not the affirmation was a coping mechanism to stop her from facing her mistakes was unbeknownst to Kady, but she repeated it in her thoughts as she wiped at her eyes and sniffled, allowing herself to revel in the memories of the months she spent in the apartment for another minute before she pulled a key from her pocket and locked the door behind her.

She turned and left down the hallway.

**Author's Note:**

> i know, i know, it was a little angsty. but angst is my forte i can’t help it. 
> 
> y’all know the drill, i love comments and kudos bc they make my school work procrastination feel worthwhile and also inspire me to write more fics! leave me some please and thanks!!
> 
> i’m @bestbltches on twitter if you’d like to see my daily wickoff rambles and breakdowns
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed!


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